overloaded

seriously, suffering from information overload after a night on biology. it is killing me but luckily i have made some progress. oh my!!! my head is going to burst soon and i am not willing to hit my bed yet. it is the last paper on monday and things will be bright and cheerful for me once more. may is a happy month for me.

my heart jumped abit when i heard similar noises. i am not sure if they are coming from the same source as before or not. i am not scared or worried. i just did goi's favourite action, roll my eyes. if it really happens like before, i am not going to do anything. i even pictured myself shutting down my laptop, grab my bio notes and TB and marched downstairs or anywhere else to continue with my revision. cruel right? nah. it is an act of being sick and tired of things repeating themselves. i just want to have something new to breathe in my life.

sometimes, it is just not about others. i have to live for myself somedays too. so it is all about ME. if history ever repeats itself, i will bring her along with me and leave provided i have the ability. selfish, heartless, emotionless creature. whatever! they describe me perfectly well. hang on!!!

friends

in times when i feel like dying, a simple email is all that i need to make me realise life is not that bad afterall. when i feel like the world is going to crash on me anytime, friends never fail to remind me that there is someone out there who cares for me. a call or a short message brings me back to earth and decides to finish what i initially set off for. i feel good and hopeful again! i cant wait for may to come. (did i say that before?)

my last breath

the anxiety is killing me. all these waiting is making me go INSANE. why on earth does 30 apr never seem to be approaching? looking at the pile of revision that needs to be done by then, i want to faint and never to wake up till may arrives. why are not my fainting spells working when i need them the most? damn!

i have to drag to my room, force my butt on the chair, convince myself that nothing is impossible, and study. it is obstructing me from enjoying life. mugging from exams is definitely not an enjoyable thing to do when not all your friends are mugging with you. how i wish we could all experience this shit now!

there are so many things i want to do NOW!! i want to go blading!!!! pee, let's hit ecp when exams are over okay? let's skate and have a shitty tan. liting, i want to meet up with u!! remember our drinking session okay? fat, you will be back soon. i want to go your house and laze around(that's so not me but after exams, anything sounds perfect). flood my fridge with bnj ice cream. i swear i will be a happy girl if i can eat that everyday. spiderman and captain jack sparrow, i shall meet you in may, not forgetting micheal and jiro! i have not been dating them especially micheal for a super duper long time. i am dying to see my eye candies again. i want to drool. and and and, more birthday celebrations! may shall be the month of celebrations!

just let me sleep in my dreamland and wake me up when may arrives. come on, may!! hurry hurry, come fast!! stop lagging and run.

cry

what is the point of crying? does it help to solve the problem? sadly, the tears flowed arent going to do anything. if that is the case, then why do people cry? it is a form of expression. just like when people say a funny joke, we laugh. so when we feel sad, we cry. it is a source of letting our emotions flow. furthermore, it is better to express ourselves than to keep hiding everything to ourselves. so we should cry.

no! i dont agree with that. someone once told me not to cry because it shows my weaknesses. till today, i still believe in that. crying is just a waste of time and energy. i could have put that amount of time to think of a solution rather than to be at the same spot.

jap drama always have the power to make me blog and think. parting is not the end, it is the beginning.

birth-DAYS!!!

i love birth-DAYS even though it isnt my own. celebrate the day well. treat yourself better than other days, just keep smiling. make yourself feel like everything revolves around you. it may sound wrong but why bother to live each day in the politically right model? you truly deserve a day to pamper yourself and bring trouble to the people around you.

remember birth-DAYS! a simple SMS birthday wish can make the person go gaga over it. at least i know that works for me. it is such a sunny and beautiful day today because it is her birthday!!!

look ahead

what do you do when you are stuck? you struggle with all your might. you grab anything that can help you to survive. you shout at the top of your lungs. all you need is help. get the attention of anyone out there and ask for help. but what if the help is not of any use? are you going to smile and say thank you?

you feel the heat. you listen to your heart beat. something is adding weight to you but you just cant shake it off. you know very clearly you should start to do something about it but you just cant. no excuses because you cant find one. you hate it when you cant do it well.

forget it! everything has been finalized. what's the point of looking back in time and whine about how pathetic you have been. it's time to buck up and focus on what is in front of you. it makes people disgusted when you victimize yourself. so what if you have gained their sympathay? are you going to be a better person? it just makes your reliance on others stronger.

i have learnt it through the hard way. why should i open myself up to others when my trust in people does not exist at all anymore? i will manage the situation and solve it myself. at least i know, i wont lose anything after it. i will be a much better person. meanwhile, just mug hard!

friday the thirteen

RUN!!! it is the FRIDAY THE THIRTEEN today. nothing especially unfortunate happened today unless you want to consider sitting beside a sick dabai during marketing tutorial, taking the wrong bus to engin after marketing tutorial and ran in the rain to attend my last class of the sem as unlucky.

last official day of the second sem spells DOOM for me. no play makes me a sad girl. everyday will be dark and depressing, camping within a 4 walls, mugging the hell out of me. all i see are words, papers, textbooks, files, tutorials and assignments. no! i dont want this life. i want to play!! i want to blade!! i want to eat bnj ice cream!!! i want to watch spider man and pirates, at the world's ends!!! i want to spend another night out!!!

old school favourites

i have watched it thrice and read the novel once. i know the ending. i can remember the key parts. there is limited excitement in watching it but somehow it just drew me in front of the television. i just watched a walk to remember. a simple yet beautiful story.

a story about discoveries, knowing the true you beneath the skin. you have always been acting behind the shadows of others. living a life that does not belong to you. you feel corrupted. often, you are out of breath from the dirt in the city. when is it the time for you to step out and live for yourself? until one day, someone comes along and pulls you out. does not discriminate you for being who you truly are. finally, a someone who listens to your inner feelings.

why are you running away? it does not solve any problems. face it but sadly, i say dont pin much hope. i am starting to hate the word 'hope'. it gives me nothing except emptiness. bigger hopes brings about greater disappointment. is it really time for me to stop hoping for anything? i hate the negative energy that is building within me right at this moment. i want to get rid of it!

nothing seems bright and cheerful for me today. it sucks when i cannot feel the sun on a day like this. what is it hiding from? i am sick of it! how i wish you were in singapore now.

love hate r/s

the weather today just SUCKS!! i was diligently doing my work in the early hours and suddenly, i saw lightning from my mirror. but it did not rain a single drop of water at all the whole night. the next moment when i was awake, the sun was sorching hot as if it was going to burn everything on earth. a few hours later, it started raining and now it is back to sunny day. furthermore it was raining ice in canada last night. what is wrong with the weather?

the weather has described my feelings now, having a love hate relationship with myself. one moment i am determined to do something but when it comes to facing it, i become restless and refuse to take a second look at it. why cant i come clean with myself sometimes?

4 april is a BIG day for liting!!! =) hey girl, sorry that we cant celebrate ur bday with you now. we promise you the best celebration in may okay? thanks for enduring my foul temper for the past few years. this day is dedicated to you! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! =)

change

this is what i read from my marketing notes, "the only constant in today's business environment is CHANGE." it makes me want to blog immediately! change is always happening around us. today i woke up from the left side of my bed and the next morning, i woke up from the right side of the bed. see, that is a change! it can be executed easily but the main problem about change is adaption.

some of us just hate change to the core. i dont blame them for that because sometimes i will resist changes too. it is in human's nature to want to be comfortable. that is a want, not a need. we just want to stay in our comfort zone, with the familiar faces and environment. to a small extent, it is good because you can achieve short term happiness. however, in the long run, you may develop this mentality that no matter what happens, you always have the same group of friends around you. bullshit! people dont stay where they are. they move! who will catch your fall the next time? so the bottom line is break free from your boundaries, be daring to try something new and fresh.

some changes are just too harsh or big to accept them. you keep telling yourself that you will slowly adapt to this change but somehow things are not going in the direction you want it to. you start to question your ability, you cannot find an answer and push the blame to everyone, you lock yourself up in the room, and ultimately you hate yourself for being someone you dont recognize. in life, you just have to learn not to take everything too seriously. if you put in 101 percent of your energy in everything, you will be drained and drop dead by the end of each day. the more effort you put in, the greater your expectations. similarly, the greater your expectations, the greater the disappointment. so just take it in your stride and move on.

we should applause for change. it is something positive because it makes people, at least myself to learn and grow. i love change!! but before that, i have to learn how to move on from there.